My high libido is hurting my relationship with my boyfriend. I feel a bit silly even writing that sentence. Most people tend to have a problem when their libido is low, and a high libido tends to be something desirable. In this case, my boyfriend is getting increasingly irritated with my desire to have sex every day.
To be honest, that is me even dialling it back. I would happily do it both in the morning and evening, but I know my boyfriend wouldn't want to. He works long hours and is often tired. I try to be patient and understanding but even during the weekend he is making excuses. It is starting to cause real tension between us. I have considered having an affair, but I do love my boyfriend, and I am just not that type of person. However, this is driving me crazy, and sometimes that feels like it might be the only solution. What do you think I should do?
Horny and unhappy
Dear Horny and unhappy,
First of all don't feel silly for reaching out for advice on this issue. Mismatched libidos can be a big challenge for any couple. Regardless of whether that is caused by someone having a high sex drive or a low sex drive. The issue is not directly about highs and lows; it has more to do with your sex drive just being different from your partners. This imbalance causes you to feel frustrated and dissatisfied, and your partner might experience feelings of inadequacy and shame. Understandably all these feelings and emotions are creating a wedge between you that is causing harm to your relationship.
You don't say whether this is something that has changed recently or not. Did this mismatch of libidos not exist before? If so then it is worth thinking about what might have caused this changed. Did you libido increase or his decrease or was it a bit of both? Identifying causes can help with solutions. Maybe work stress caused his to slip away or perhaps a change in your life resulted in yours increasing. The key is to look at those factors and see how you can manage them to adjust things.
Our sex drives change throughout our lives in response to all sorts of things. Such as stress, health and fitness and sometimes just the natural rise and fall of the hormones in our bodies. It is not uncommon for women in their 30's to continue to experience an increased libido. Men's, on the other hand, can start to dip or at least stay the same thus causing you to step out of sync. However, an unexpected drop in libido might be worth checking with a doctor to make sure there is no underlying medical problem.
One of the most important things that you need to do though is to talk to your partner about what is happening. You need to make sure that this is an open and judgement free conversation, the last thing you want is to apply any blame. Avoid sentences like 'You not wanting to have sex with me is ruining our relationship'. It is not going to be constructive as it immediately blames your partner and his low libido for your feelings. Instead, you might want to suggest that the two of you talk about how often you would both like to have sex. The way you frame a conversation like this is fundamental. With the right approach, it is more likely to get your partner to start sharing with you. It also means that no one will go away feeling either one of you is the 'problem'.
You mention having an affair, and I am glad you have not taken this route. Sadly, I think, such a course of action is likely to be incredibly damaging to your relationship should your boyfriend find out. However, you might want to consider discussing an open relationship where you or both of you are free to see other partners. There are many different types of open relationships. You will want to do your research, but most important of all is for the two of you to work out what that might look like. Clearly, for some people, open relationships are not an option, as they don't feel that they can deal with the jealousy. If that is the case, you are going to have to try other solutions for your mismatched libidos. You also need to figure out if maybe this issue is a deal breaker for the two of you to be together.
It might also be helpful is to talk openly about masturbation and how that can be part of your relationship. You could explore sharing sexy stories or porn that you both find a turn on. Anything that helps you to connect as a couple sexually could bring you back to the same page when it comes to sex. However, the most important thing is not to expect an overnight transformation. You both need to be dedicated to working on this issue together and finding the solutions that are right for you as a couple.
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