I wrote an article for Fetish.com a little while ago about the hottest BDSM-themed songs I know. This is not that article. This article is about the other sexy songs: the ones that are so thematically appropriate you can’t help but want to add them to your ‘sexy songs’ playlists, but that are instant mood-killers if they come on while you’re actually in the throes of passion. I love these songs. Believe me, though, they’re not the right backdrop for sexual encounters.

 

image-033116.jpg.e6910a6df826410aa666679

 

Five sexy songs to leave off the playlist

 

1. Two Ladies - Cabaret

 

Diddly diddly dee - two ladies

Diddly diddly dee - two ladies

Diddly diddly dee - and I'm the only man, ja!

Diddly diddly dee - I like it

Diddly diddly dee - they like it

Diddly diddly dee - it's two for one!


I called this song out in that other article, and it’s an excellent example of my point about sexy songs to leave off the playlist. Seen in the right light, this is actually a rather lovely song about polyamory - it’s funny, it’s touching, it’s raunchy, and they all seem like they have agency. You know what it’s not, though? Sexy. The day I realised I needed at least two separate sex playlists was the day this song came on while I was on my knees in the middle of something. It isn’t a great look.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPOiaAU_vJg

 

2. The Bad Touch - Bloodhound Gang

 

Love: the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket

Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it

Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific I wanna be down in your South Seas

But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means "Small Craft Advisory"

So if I capsize on your thighs high tide, B-5 you sunk my battleship

Please turn me on I'm Mister Coffee with an automatic drip

So show me yours I'll show you mine "Tool Time" you'll Lovett just like Lyle

And then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch "X-Files"


Oh god, you know what, I can’t deny it: I love this song. I’ve always loved this song. I loved it when it came out and I was only ten years old then. I confess that I know every word to this ridiculous song, and there are a lot of them. Some sex is actually like this, you know. Hell, some relationships are like this. That doesn’t make it a good backdrop to the act itself, but it’s a song of which I remain exceedingly fond. Also, the video is weird as shit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xat1GVnl8-k

 

3. Sex Dwarf - Soft Cell

 

Walk my little doggie, walk my little Sex Dwarf

We can make a scene, we'll be a team

Making the headlines sounds like a dream

When we hit the floor you just watch them move aside


I’ve never known exactly what to make of this questionably-sexy song. It’s either a piece of meaningless nonsense, an exploration of a genuine fetish, or a nasty piece of ableism - and I’m still not certain which. Knowing Marc Almond, of course, it’s probably all three. God bless you, Marc Almond. There is not a lot I wouldn’t forgive you for.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlB77vM2FMg

 

4. Kinky Neighbours - Wet Spots

 

Hi there, we're your kinky neighbours!

It's great that you came by to see the pad!

Hi there, we're your kinky neighbours;

How lovely that you brought your mum and dad.

Won't you step in and have a gin and tonic?

We'll mix it up and serve it in a nice colonic.

Hi (hi!) we're your kinky neighbours,

And we know how to treat our neighbours right.


This song was an in-joke between me and a few of my closest friends for the longest time, mostly because we knew full well we were the kinky neighbours. Practically everything this band have ever made could go on this playlist, and it is glorious and you should look them up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSuxsbkCrnY

 

5. Pop That Tooshie - Lords of Acid

 

Shake your booty, do it right

Shake your big butt in style

Jiggle, wiggle it with grace

Slide your fanny on the bass

Bounce that ass, do it nice

Make them booty men go wild

Pop that tooshie real fast

Shake your meat shake that ass


Lords of Acid are a great band, and they specialise in music that treads the line between the two different types of sexy songs. This is one of the ones that falls over onto the side we’re talking about today, though. I mean, can you imagine if this came on while you were gettin’ some? The rhythm is perfect, but it would be instantly impossible to keep a straight face. Not to mention that ‘fanny’ does not mean the same thing here in the UK as it does over on the other side of the pond.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUDYeFdKiOU

Abi is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to genre fiction, social justice and M.A.C lipstick. Follow her on her website or @see_abi_write.

 


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