Adult Sex Ed Month is coming to an end, and Fuck.com asked resident writer Kayla Lords to finish off the month with her story on embracing her sexual desire. Find out how she taught herself to become a sexual being through porn and masturbation, and finally letting go of shame and expectations.

 

For those of us who experience sexual feelings, it doesn’t always come naturally. It should. Depending on where you grew up, the parents you had, the school you went to, and any other factors, too many of us think our sexuality is something to be hidden, worried about, or ignored.

My first sexual experiences (around age 18) were invigorating and thrilling. They were also filled with shame because I thought riding my then-boyfriend and screaming his name over and over again was somehow a bad thing to do. As a result, I locked away a big part of myself that only a divorce and the realisation that I wanted to have sex again at some point, forced me to deal with.

Since nothing about my early sexual education prepared me to embrace my sexual desires, I have had to take matters into own hands. 
 

Enjoying porn

The first time I watched videos and erotic images it was in the middle of the night long after my kids were in bed. After each session of not understanding my reactions - flushed skin, hard nipples, and a deep throb between my thighs - I would delete my browser history. Just in case. 

I repeated this habit for weeks until I eventually lost the fear factor and focused on how it made me feel. I recognised that something about porn created visceral reactions throughout my body.
 

Masturbation

I’ve already shared my masturbation stories. The education (and I) came much later than most others, but it was an important part of the process. Masturbation was about the sexual pleasure I created for myself.

Women are so often taught that our bodies, our clothes, our reactions, and even our sexual pleasure are for other people. My orgasms were given to myself, by myself, for myself.
 

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Embracing my kinks

While I was navigating the world of visual porn, I also found websites like Literotica and fell deep into rough, and taboo stories of power exchanges. Forced enemas in the backyard with a garden hose. Humiliation. Filth. It was dirty and disgusting. It was thrilling and erotic.

At the same time, I found blogs written by D/s couples of a loving relationship with hot sex. I always wanted to be the submissive. Maybe I didn’t want the harsh treatment, but I wanted that feeling of powerlessness. Figuring out my submissive nature was freeing. I immediately made much more sense, and as a result, I gained a confidence I didn’t realise I’d been lacking.

 

Letting go of vanilla expectations

From an early age, I’d learnt that I was supposed to be an independent woman and that no man should tell me what to do. 'Women’s magazines' told me to go after the sex and man I wanted, take charge in the bedroom, and let him know what I want. This behaviour is so far from my personality it’s laughable. 

Once I realised my kinks were of the submissive variety, I then had to learn how to let go of what the vanilla world told me I was supposed to want or do when it came to sex. It’s not easy, and I’m still a work in progress.
 

Trying sex toys

Another weird 'taboo' from my 90s teenage years and college days was that only desperate, lonely women used sex toys. Mechanical, vibrating manipulation of the body to induce pleasure? Puh-lease! 

I was a fucking idiot. There is not a damn thing wrong with using toys to stimulate your body in a way that makes you feel good and tingly all over. Trying sex toys was another moment of shedding the old and embracing what worked for my sexual pleasure. Yes, sexual satisfaction from a partner feels good, but that’s asking for a lot from a one person every time I want an orgasm.

Ultimately I found that to own my sexuality and who I am as a sexual being, I had to shed all the bullshit society had fed me from childhood. Porn can have a place in healthy sexuality. Masturbation allows for an exploration in a way which partnered sex isn’t always capable. 

Frankly, for anyone who worries their sexual interests make you a deviant or broken, there’s only one thing that matters: the consent and safety of your partner. When it comes to our sexual identities and expression - the rest of the world can go fuck itself.


Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. Follow her on Twitter @Kaylalords.


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