Do you remember having 'the talk' with your parents? Fuck.com asked writer Sienna to explain her view on sex positive parenting and how to best communicate with your kids about sex.

 

Dealing with your children having sex is something that most parents will have to face before their child graduates high school. If we know how to communicate in a healthy, non-shaming manner, we can reduce the stress that comes with this step of parenting and allow our kids to enjoy falling in love and finding a deep level of intimacy. 

The fact is, humans have sex. If done safely, sex brings joy and alleviates stress and anxiety, which teens are full of. It also releases a chemical in the brain that makes you happy and helps with self-esteem, and most teens can use a boost of that. 

 

Communication

But talking to our kids when we aren’t ready for them to be sexually active can be difficult. By approaching our kids without telling them it’s inappropriate at their age, we leave the door open to be approached should there be questions or an issue. Sex Ed is helpful, but the reality is entirely different than what we learn in school. 

One of the best ways my husband and I have dealt with this is to talk openly about sex. We don’t make the kids turn away when a sex scene comes one the television. We don't shame sexuality in our household; we appreciate it as a means of bringing life into the world. Like everything kid related, our method of openness meant that when my youngest decided he had questions, I had to step up. 

I’ll admit I had a moment of panic. My son was seven, and while we’d not hidden what sex was and where babies came from, he wanted details. How old should you be? Where is the best place to have sex? Do you have to be in love or can you do it to feel good? All I could think was, this is what I get for being so sex-positive! And while it made me laugh, I did struggle with how to answer him.

I thought back to my first talks about sex when I was a child. There was so much shame around it. I’d also experienced abuse, so it all felt negative. So when I began having consensual sex, I never went to my parents. They’d told me I could, but this is where our actions speak louder than words and my parents were closed off about sex and never discussed it. Not discussing it didn’t prevent me from abuse, or from consensual acts, but it did cause me great stress as I was afraid for my parents to find out. I hid my sexuality, which led to being ashamed of my sexuality. 

I didn’t want to make my son feel that way, so I answered him without judgment. He asked if he was too young and I simply said, “How does it make you feel to think about you having sex?” He shouted, “Ew!” So I told him that was a good sign he wasn’t ready.
 

Two teenagers holding hands. Fuck.com
 

They're only twelve

My older son has a girlfriend, and they are quite affectionate with one another. Again, I wanted to panic. They’re only twelve! But I saw their joy and giddiness, and I didn’t want to squash that. I knew he’d had exposure to sexuality through our talks, and that he’d seen movies, completed sex education and so on, so I showed him where we keep the condoms. If they suddenly start disappearing, I’ll make sure they stay stocked. 

Thankfully, he laughed and said he’d let me know if it got to that, but he was still concerned about the kissing part. Boy, was I relieved! Our open communication has allowed for this type of exchange and has enabled us to enjoy our son’s first love experience without the stress of ‘will they have sex’? 

Making sure we leave open space for our kids to express themselves and explore is equally as important as teaching about pregnancy and STIs. 

If we stop — on a societal level — treating sex like it’s something to be ashamed of, then we create an environment where our youth can grow comfortable. We show kids that they are in charge of their bodies, they decide what’s right for them and when, and therefore get to be filled with excitement as they learn and explore. Even though my oldest is at the beginning stages of love, he’s already experiencing a level of joy that it took me well into my adult years to find.

 

Sienna Saint-Cyr writes erotica and blogs about kink, poly, body image, most things relating. Find and follow her on Fuck.com.


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