Fuck.com introduces another installation of our successful ‘first-time’ series. This week, London-based male sex blogger ILB shares his first-time sexual experience. Find out if it turned out to be all that he expected.

 


My first girlfriend adored the Canadian rock band Sum41. There was little friction between us during our year-and-a-half-long relationship, but Sum41 was the one thing on which we disagreed. 

We both liked their music well enough; the problem was with their lead singer, Deryck "Bizzy D" Whibley. She thought he was a sex god. I figured he looked like he'd been thrown headlong into a brick wall and was yet to have his face reconstructed.

We were also both very horny. We were in our late teens and fresh into our new, and first, relationship. By the end of our first date, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. 

Our second - during which we shared a bed and spent the whole time in a seemingly endless passionate kiss - seemed to confirm the whole thing. It wasn't until two months in, when she was sitting on top of me, topless that I realised this was it. I was going to lose my virginity. So was she. How lucky was I?

“Wait, wait, wait,” I heard myself saying, much to the consternation of my yearning, throbbing cock. “We need protection. I don’t have any condoms... do you have any...?”

I knew it was a losing battle from the start. Two virgins on a date – I was convinced by that point that I was never going to get any sex at all – of course, neither of us had bought any condoms. I’d never even owned one.

“Yes!” she said, to my surprise and delight. “I’ve got one right here!” And she opened a little drawer on her windowsill, picking out and throwing me a small cardboard packet with “In Too Deep” printed on it in scrawly red writing.

It was a Sum41 condom.

Happy, horny, and hating everything I was about to become, I held the tip and rolled the condom out along my shaft, as I’d been taught to do in Year 9.  

Amazed at how hard I was, I was dizzy with delight that I was actually about to do it. I managed somehow to ignore the fact that this was, in fact, a novelty branded condom – promoting a band I didn’t like, probably not intended for barrier use, and notably thicker than a condom is meant to be...

It may be a good time to mention that I have an unusually large penis, although I wasn’t aware of this at the time, as I don’t tend to go around measuring other people's cocks indiscriminately. However, I was very much aware of the fact that I was wearing, at the time, a very thick layer of latex. 

It was uncomfortably tight and it was there as I brought myself to maximum hardness; it was there as we kissed with wanton tongues and wandering hands; it was there as she straddled my hips and sank onto me, gasping with pleasure as I slid slowly and carefully into her. 

She started to rock gently back and forth – my hands steadying on her sides, her breasts glinting with sweat, and my penis deep inside her... and, all the time, the Sum41 condom was still there. Essentially, it was all I could feel.

About thirty seconds in, I suddenly realised that I was probably expected to say something. I bypassed ‘aah, that feels so good,’ ‘more, baby, more!’ and ‘oh, I love you, I want to stay here with you forever and ever’, before settling on ‘this is the greatest night of my life!’ That would work, surely?

“Oh, this is weird,” I said. Check me out, master of love and witty repartee.

Upon returning to school the following Monday, I was inundated with curious questions about what sex felt like because, of course, everyone suddenly seemed to know.

I tried to answer to the best of my ability; the truth being that I hadn’t a clue. I hadn’t felt a thing after putting the condom on (I may as well have used a carrier bag), so I wasn’t able to explain. 

I wasn’t aware of the throb and pulse of the penis inside the vagina; I didn’t know about the way the inside walls mould themselves around one’s shape. I didn’t know what an orgasm felt like because I hadn’t had one. But at least she enjoyed it.

The closest approximation I could get was that sex was like “dipping your penis into warm water”. I genuinely didn’t want to admit to having used a Sum41 condom... but then, I didn’t have to. I had a description ready – and could truthfully tell everyone I used a condom... which I did.

On our following date, of course, we used some Durex ones I bought beforehand. Thin, safe, and free from corporate branding. Suddenly aware of exactly how good sex could feel, we both found it hard to stop... and added three more to our tally.

I still hate Sum41.

 


Innocent Loverboy (“ILB” for the lazy) is an awkward geek with a sex blog, in his early 30s and based in North London. He has a keen interest in love and sex, and sometimes even manages to assemble words into an acceptable order, although he’d rather be reading fiction, singing, or playing video games.


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