All throughout June, Fuck.com is celebrating Adult Sex Ed Month. In case you didn't know, #AdultSexEdMonth was the brainchild of the late Bobbie Morgan, and is an annual celebration of sex-positive learning about sex and sexuality. So, whether you consider yourself an expert on sex or not, there's always more to learn. Fuck.com writer Kayla Lords writes about what would've been useful to learn in sex ed.


Back in the mid-90s, I was fortunate enough to get a little sex education in school. To be fair, it wasn’t a comprehensive discussion on sexuality. The focus was on how babies are made, that sex can kill, and that you shouldn't have sex until you’re married. But, at least, I learned about condoms, sexually transmitted infections (formerly sexually transmitted diseases), and that birth control is a thing. 

If the American education system is waiting for parents to teach their kids about sex, no one should hold their breath. While some parents are willing to have those conversations with their children (and I’m that parent), mine wouldn’t even say the word “sex” around me. While I’m grateful for what little sex ed I received, certain topics would have been useful to know.

 

Masturbation is Normal

Not just that it’s normal, I wish an adult in the room had said, “Masturbation is natural and it feels good. There is no shame in it.” Instead in 1994, the then-U.S. Surgeon General Dr Jocelyn Elders had the “audacity” to say children should learn about masturbation as a safer form of sex, and she was forced to resign her position.

Personally, if an adult in my life in those days had said something positive about masturbation (or anything at all), maybe I wouldn’t have waited until age 32 to masturbate. Maybe fewer of us would think only lonely people do it or that it’s not “allowed” in our relationships.
 

Consent is Required

I honestly don’t remember ever hearing anyone mention consent regarding sex during those sex ed years. Nobody spelt out what many of us now preach about on a daily basis:

  • No means no.
  • An intoxicated person can’t give real consent.
  • 'Maybe' doesn't mean yes
  • Only proceed after an enthusiastic yes.
  • When in doubt, stop.
  • People are allowed to change their minds.

Of course, no one discussed rape at the time except in very vague terms. “Being forced” to have sex was the closest we got. And the girls in the room told to scream and fight, carry mace, and not go out alone, on the assumption that our rapist would be a stranger who attacked us in a dark alley, instead of the person we know, which is most likely.

Woman holding a banana with a condom
 

Sex is Supposed to Feel Good

When all you’re taught about sex are the scare tactics of deadly diseases and screaming babies, it’s easy to see why the “sex feels good” lesson isn't part of it. The idea of any of us having sex was supposed to scare us away from it. Apparently, educators forgot they were talking to a bunch of teenagers. While we were more inclined to use condoms (assuming we could get some), we weren’t any less inclined to fuck.

Too many of us grow up with a sense of wrongness for enjoying sex. We likely had parents or religious leaders who told it was wrong or a sin. Every adult in our life, assuming they would even discuss sex with us, spent time telling us how dangerous it was instead. Our first experiences were likely awkward as hell with pleasure not exactly the focus - and we didn’t know better. As a result, plenty of us accepts bad sex as “normal” when it doesn’t have to be.
 

Sex is Different for Everyone

In sex ed, we all learned the mechanics of sex, but only heterosexual sex with the intent to make babies. There was, of course, no conversation about different types of sex beyond that. The idea that there was any other way to fuck didn’t seem to cross anyone’s mind which explains why some people can claim with a straight face that oral sex isn’t “real” sex. Yes, even now.

On the other hand, we also weren’t taught that our bodies are all wired a little different. What one person perceives as pleasure, another person may dislike. I wouldn’t expect a health/science teacher to go into detail about pleasure and sex, but a mention might have been nice. A head’s up that everyone experiences sexual desire in different ways and for various reasons might go a long way in helping people feel less unsure of their own kinky or vanilla fantasies.

Maybe it’s not a school’s job to teach our children these things, but kids need access to this information before they start having sex. Not after. I dream of a world where we’re all less freaked out about sex. A world that allows us to express ourselves in ways that fit who we are and not some stereotyped standard of what we “should” be. Better early sexual education is one way to get there.


Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. Follow her on Twitter @Kaylalords.


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