If there’s one thing I’ve learned since I’ve been writing an agony aunt column, it’s that people are really really into the idea of having threesomes. I get questions about this all the time - so I thought maybe I could deal with the matter once and for all by consolidating all the advice I’ve ever given on the subject into one big handy guide.

This article is mostly aimed at established couples who would like to have a threesome with some third party, but I hope there’s stuff in it that will be applicable to a wider variety of situations than just that one.

 

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The Best Fucking Threesome Guide

Why are threesomes such a popular fantasy?

Research suggests that practically everyone - especially men - sometimes fantasises about threesomes and group sex. Partly I think it ties in with the allure of taboo; we’ve spent our whole lives being told that sex is a beautiful moment of private, intimate connection between two people, so there’s something deliciously naughty and decadent about adding an extra person to that mix. There’s also a natural human tendency to want more of a good thing (think about how common it is to not stop eating delicious food till after you already feel a bit sick!), and the fact that a whole new world is laid open to the intrepid group sexer: simultaneous double penetration! Going down on one person while another does the same to you! FOUR BOOBS AT ONCE! The possibilities are endless.

What these fantasies always seem to forget is this: it can also be a bonding experience. It simply isn’t true that three-way sex is inherently “dirty”; it can be if you want it to be, obviously (I’m all about dirty), but it can also be just as personal and intimate as any candlelit love scene.

How do I broach the subject with my partner?

The very best way, in my experience, is to start the conversation in bed. Imaginary threesomes make for great dirty talk: once you’ve had an indication that your partner thinks the idea is hot you can share a fantasy together without needing anyone else there at all. Begin carefully; if they recoil a little at the mere theoretical hint of “imagine if you were licking someone out while I was fucking you right now”, you should probably drop it ASAP, but if you’re onto a winner you’ll know it before long.

Fantasy is not reality, however, and even if that little jaunt into story time made them wet/hard/likely to make deep moaning noises that doesn’t mean you should surprise them with a naked woman on their next birthday. You’ll have opened the door to a more serious conversation about it then, though; something like “fuck me that was hot; fancy making it come true sometime?” fits seamlessly into pillow talk.

The trick here - as with so many things - is not to be a dick about it. If they don’t like the idea, don’t pester them with it again.

Can we get some tips on finding our ‘third’?

I have a personal bugbear about this one. I have no idea how many threesomes I’ve had in my life, but it’s certainly “some”; if I had to guess I’d say it was more than fifteen and less than thirty. Ways in which I have found myself involved in a threesome include but are not limited to:

I’ve been out clubbing with two friends, and they’re both staying over at mine afterwards. One needs to sleep on the sofa and one in my bed with me, or there isn’t enough room for everyone to crash. They didn’t previously know each other, but I’ve had sex with them once each before. I can’t figure out how best to decide who sleeps where and both of them have quietly made it clear that they’d love to join me but won’t be offended if the other one does instead. We all somehow end up in my bed together.


It’s the end of a long and excellent party. The hard core of late-night drinkers consists of me, my boyfriend, my girlfriend and a married couple we’ve all known for years. One thing leads to another and before I know it my partners and I are putting on a show for a monogamish audience.


I’m hanging out with a couple I’ve known for a while. I’ve always fancied them both, but the woman in particular is someone I have a very large and very intense thing for. When her boyfriend reads the room and kisses me quite suddenly, I’m beyond thrilled. Next thing I know we’re turning the sofa we’re sitting on into its bed form and everyone’s giggling.


A woman I’ve been dating for a while realises how well I’d get on with this other friend of hers and invites us both round for dinner on the same night. We somehow drink twelve bottles of wine between the three of us. The next morning none of us can remember all the finer details of the night before, but we’re all very sure that we enjoyed it.

What about NSA thirds?

You know what has never, ever happened, though? I have never been anyone’s “NSA third”. I have never been on a pre-arranged date organised with the express intent of a threesome at the end of it. I have never responded to someone’s slightly sickly couple profile on a dating site to tell them that I am the unicorn of their dreams and will gladly play out whatever movie scene they’ve come up with before quietly leaving so as not to disrupt their post-sex cuddle time.

When you discuss your fantasies with your partner, the other person in them isn’t really real. You’re playing you and they’re playing them, but the additional person is pretty much just a prop; they’re the object of the fantasy, not the subject of it.

That’s fine, of course. Very few people write out a full character sheet complete with hard limits, favourite colour and shoe size for the fictional entities they fuck in their own minds, and nor should they unless they particularly want to. God knows I haven’t given names to any of the fifteen imaginary men in the rugby team in that locker room with the - anyway, yes, moving swiftly on.

They’re props, is what I’m saying. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but if you’re trying to make a fantasy a reality you have to understand that in reality people are actually people. They have needs and desires of their own, and they don’t exist solely to live out your imaginings.

Generally speaking, threesomes come about naturally. If you’d like to increase your chances of having one, meet more people: go to fetish events and sex clubs, attend munches, introduce yourself to anyone who looks interesting. The trick isn’t to meet potential sexual partners. The trick is to meet potential friends. A threesome can’t be the conscious end goal, but it’s definitely one likely fringe benefit.

What’s having a threesome actually like?

Of course, nothing is ever quite as you imagined it. Sex is a distinctly biological experience, sometimes: people sweat and muscles get cramp and things make noises you weren’t expecting. The threesome you have in real life will probably not be the red-hot, Vaseline-lensed threesome you dreamed about when you were bored on an overnight coach that one time.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t going to be great, though. My best rule of thumb is to not worry too much about pleasuring two people simultaneously: that works out sometimes, of course, but it’s often better to give everyone their turn “in the middle” (as it were) and keep things fair and even that way. The important thing is to keep on communicating with and looking out for both of the people you’re with, and obviously to have a great deal of fun while you’re at it.

On the most basic level sex with two people isn’t actually all that different to sex with one person. It’s just that there are significantly more limbs involved, and if you’re really lucky you’ll up the total orgasm quotient by 50%.

Is there any extra post-threesome aftercare required?

Most people like a bit of attention immediately following sex: a cuddle, or someone to fetch them a glass of water, or just some company to laugh tenderly with after a wonderful shared experience. This is no different at the end of a threesome, and you’ll likely find that if it’s gone well you’ll be more comfortable and at ease with each other than ever. The important thing is to remember that if you’re an established couple who have been joined by a third person for the night, you need to keep including them in the aftercare bit too - instantly excluding them and focusing on nothing but each other runs the risk of making them feel like you’re not thinking of them as being a real person, and most people hate that feeling. (Sometimes it’s part of kink, of course - but by prior negotiation and enthusiastic consent only!)

You might also find that you and your partner have a bit of soul-searching to do once the fun’s over. Make sure you’re listening to each other, and don’t worry if you need to give or receive a little more validation than usual - it’s perfectly normal to have some processing to do following a new experience.

Threesomes can be a lot of fun, but they’re not quite the pornographic idyll we’re often sold. It’s a perfectly achievable fantasy - you might just need to reframe it in your head a little first.

Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewellery. Find her at her website or @see_abi_write.

 


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